Drugs against pain ||
I have these empty holes in my body caused by missing love, support and security in my childhood.
Sometimes I don‘t feel the holes …
… but sometimes they terribly hurt.
The emptiness comes as a big loud frightening wave.
To not feel this, I stiff my holes.
With sweets …
… that leaves the holes immediately.
With your hugs I yearn for …
… which don‘t come back.
This made me to a drug addict. Addicted to feel love, to feel what you used to make me feel.
But i don‘t want this anymore.
So I talked to my therapist and found out what else can stuff my holes.
Being in nature.
Moving my body.
My holes will never disappear. They’re part of my physiology. Like someone else misses a finger or kidney.
Art, nature, sweets, sports and human relationships became to my proteses.
But what ever i do, in the end of the day i come home, exhausted, and my holes start to hurt again.
Once my therapist asked me:
„Why don’t you try to stand the feeling of emptiness?“
„It‘s too hurtful“, I answered.
To be continued …